Hide and Seek

I feel like it’s pretty apparent that I am a procrastinator. I have a knack for putting things that I don’t want to do or to think about somewhere in a lockbox in a chest in an abandoned house in a forest on a different continent somewhere on another planet in an alternate universe in my mind. (It is indeed expansive.) I like to think that it’s a talent I possess, the way I can lock things into another part of my mind. They still show up… probably in the form of anxiety, but I don’t think about them. Like maybe I could be a Jedi who holds up one thing with one part of their mind and does something else awesome with another. But mostly, it’s just trouble.

Did you know that if you ignore things like bills and student loans, they don’t go away? I learned that lesson. Did you know that you eventually have to talk to your boss about things you don’t want to talk about when they are things you really need to talk about…even though you don’t want to? Learned that too. Training doesn’t just magically bank itself if you ignore it. Kids don’t brush their teeth or eat healthy if you pretend you don’t have to deal with it. Spouses even get fed up with the clutter that builds up next to your nightstand eventually (even if they don’t say it. Thank you, J).

So why is it then, that I can’t seem to put certain things into those recesses of my mind? Why is it that so many negative things just ruminate? I can’t seem to put mistakes (or even perceived mistakes that might not have even really been mistakes) into the back of my mind. They sit there, right in the front row, just heckling me. Why didn’t you do this? Why didn’t you notice that? How could you? Why didn’t you do that? How did that make those people feel? Can you imagine how upset they must be? They’re mad at you, I’m sure. They might even sue. What if you have to go to court? What if you made stupid mistakes? You are a terrible person. You are not a good doctor. Why are you even doing this?

All those other important things that get lost in the back of my mind, and these things have GPS?! All the good things get lost back there too. I can’t really remember them right now, but people assure me there are lots of good things too. Wait… I remember one. I caught a glimpse of myself naked in the mirror a few days ago and I didn’t think I looked gross. I don’t really look that different. For some reason, I initially noticed that my legs look strong and I am not really as flabby as I picture in my mind. Then I looked at my big, flabby stomach and my droopy breasts. And they didn’t make me sad. The overwhelming idea was, “Hey, I’m pretty strong. Looking good!” That’s a good thing. It will probably be lost somewhere along with all the patients I’ve helped and all the epic training I’ve done over the last 2 years and whatever other good stuff is in there. Seriously, it really is expansive. Lots of places to hide.

I have four days off work this weekend!! (Thank you, Dr. Boss!!) I’m going to use it to jump start my training. Brick, anyone? I’m going to re-start cleaning out the basement/garage. And I am going to really work on hiding the negative thoughts.

Now, has anyone seen my keys?